got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
