fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
