The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
