Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
