the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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