He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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