Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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