i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize