Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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