My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
