I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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