I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
