I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
