We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
