I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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