I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
