We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize