Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
