I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
