WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
