Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
