Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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