So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
