return my video game
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
