I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Pooping to opera.
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