mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
