I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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