You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
