there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
