Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize