I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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