You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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