I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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