I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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