I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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