Apparently you make a good broom.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
