the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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