last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
