I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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