I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
