"it" just moved
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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