I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
