When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
