Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
