I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
