Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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