1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I could make wine with my vomit
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
