Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
