We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
