I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
