u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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