I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
