The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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