If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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