Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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