Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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