she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The air was thick with penises
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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