I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
